


Resonance

by Kosho



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Andrastianism, Andrastians, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Crush, Awkwardness, Chantry Boys, Chantry Issues, Confusing, Crushes, Ear Piercings, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Fade Dreams, Forced Relationship, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Half-Elves, Half-Human, I'm Bad At Tagging, Identity, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Late Night Conversations, Loneliness, Mages and Templars, Magic, Magic-Users, Magical Tattoos, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Plot, Plot Twists, Princes & Princesses, Reflection, Religious Guilt, Romantic Friendship, Royalty, Secret Crush, Secrets, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Reflection, Sexual Confusion, Sleepiness, Some Humor, Surprises, Tags Are Hard, Tattoos, The Chantry, There's A Tag For That, Trust, Trust Issues, Weird Plot Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:57:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kosho/pseuds/Kosho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kai is the only heir to Snowbarrow Keep, sent away at the height of a war in his lands. His not-quite exile leaves him in Ferelden, wandering alone, he ends up in Haven. Is he everything he claims, or is there more to the picture no one is seeing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello, Ferelden

Cold stone, it felt like home, but it was anything but. Perhaps they had gone easier because of the clothes, not the clothes of bandits or those displaced by war and suffering. The woman in front of him was all business, even after the rude awakening, the painful, glowing mark on his hand and trying to close a hole in the sky, there was still suspicion. It had to be the appearance, the only explanation coming to mind.

“Now, tell me your name, and where you come from.” She asked gruffly.

“Valdynn. Northern Thedas, far past where most would care to travel. As for my name, I’ll give it, but I would be surprised if you have heard of me. Kai Seele, Prince of Snowbarrow Keep.” He volunteered.

How it came to be that he ended up here was a long story, and one he had no intention of telling until there was no way to avoid it, his story was his protection, the one thing keeping him alive. The woman, Cassandra, finally relented after a time, releasing him to his own devices. It had been explained away that he was chosen, Herald of Andraste, a hero of sorts, he supposed. Sealing the breach completely was the goal in mind, though that didn’t stop her from being suspicious of him. Being sent here meant he had nothing of value to offer besides this mark, his family was yet unaware what happened to him, and even if they were, the country was embroiled in a large scale war of their own, resources were better used for that. His supplies were scarcely enough to last him, let alone anyone else, the thing most valuable that he carried being the clothes on his back, tailored just for him. Magicked, in fact, ensorcelled in such a way that only he could wear them, a failsafe to protect his secret in case of just such a situation.

At home, the fur lined leather was just warm enough, a thick cape set in place to cover the cut away shoulders, but he had left it behind, though it didn’t truly matter. Despite the snow and the cold, it was far warmer than he was used to, and a cape would only make it uncomfortable. He liked the relatively friendly reception as well, most seemed relieved that he was there to help once he had managed to stop the breach from growing, but at the same time, he could sense the way they held back from him. It came with the grounds of royalty, though none knew it, he was used to a much frostier reception, it was a long story, but in his home lands, he was not particularly cared for except for his parents, built in defense mechanisms making it difficult to connect to others usually.

So far, he hadn’t had much time to speak with others, though he found the elven apostate, Solas, to be interesting enough. In his lands, they discouraged most interaction with the Fade, so to hear his stories was a welcome distraction. Today, he found a bit of free time and sat for a chat with him, mostly because he was the only one he had really chanced talking to. Varric was fine, and he did enjoy spending time with him as well, but Cassandra was usually watching him, and he got the feeling she was more perceptive than he initially thought, too much of a risk being around her. Solas tilted his head as he looked at him, as though he were memorizing the details of his face, it was uncomfortable, being scrutinized in such a way, but he allowed it without complaint.

“Strange for someone elf-blooded to have ears like yours.” He commented.

They were only slight points, barely noticeable unless one really looked, but of course, he was looking. By now, he knew what was safe to share and what was off limits, and this was a fine thing to talk about, besides, the odds were good that he had little to no knowledge of the lands he hailed from, most seemed surprised to discover it existed at all.

“My mother is Elven. She’s actually the one who sent me here in the first place.” He explained.

“What comes to mind is wondering what could be here for you.” He wondered quietly.

“Things were tense, sending me as far away as they could was the best way to resolve it and to keep me safe. I mostly wandered, ended up here quite by accident, in truth. I don’t know much about these lands, except what I read in books. We’re…admittedly somewhat isolated.” He told him.

It was far from his idea to leave home, he wanted to stay, to use his skills for the betterment of his own kingdom, protect his family. Unfortunately, with the tensions renewing, he was far too much of a target, and his mother feared for his safety, and so sent him here, weeks away, across two bodies of water, with no idea of where or what to do. Initially, he had ended up in a place called ‘Orzammar’, but found they didn’t welcome him, strange, considering the dwarves of Valdynn were on very good terms with them, and in fact, worked side by side on a number of projects, including the restoration on a section of the castle, destroyed by a particularly vigorous assault. It was not only repaired, but fortified as well, to make future attempts at getting close enough to climb the wall nearly impossible, and while it made the castle look like some sinister evildoer’s lair, it was effective.

“You know, back home, they call me ‘The Bastard Prince of Valdynn.’ My mother isn’t the queen, but she could produce no heirs for him, so I’m the only successor to the throne. I hope that much doesn’t follow me here, I could do with a new nickname.” He joked.

“Herald doesn’t suit you?” Solas asked.

“No, it’s sounds like a stuffy noble’s insisted title.” He admitted dryly.

“Talk to Varric, he has a fondness for not calling people by name.” Solas replied.

It didn’t need to be asked, the distasteful expression he wore spoke volumes, he must have been given a nickname he didn’t quite like. Anything was surely better than Herald or Bastard. Both were true, he imagined, but that didn’t mean he liked to hear either. Not the way he wanted to spend his time here, however long he was stuck for, though ‘stuck’ wasn’t quite right, he actually was warming up to it.


	2. To Protect, To Save

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't as well written as I would have liked, still. It's alright for now though.

Kai sat on the steps, staring out in to the yard, at the soldiers training. It was a familiar sight, one he had witnessed his whole life, one which he ached to join, but couldn’t. More than anything, he wanted to fight for what he believed in, what he held dear, and to know it couldn’t happen only made him angry. A shadow crossed his, and he looked up on instinct, pale eyes, just barely tinged with color, nearly white, fixed on the figure in front of him. His name escaped him, though he had heard it before.

“Can I help you, Commander?” he asked, a tone of formality to his words.

“You looked pretty serious. I wondered if you might like to fall in for a while?” he questioned.

There was no hint of a joke to the question, and with that in mind, he had to imagine he was serious. Of course he wanted to.

“I can’t.” he answered quietly, looking away.

He reached to sweep his bangs from his face, thumb brushing against the black markings above his eye. He expected the man would let it go and leave, instead, he lowered himself to sit next to him, shoulders sagging like the weight of the world was crushing him.

“Can’t, or don’t want to?” he asked.

“I can’t. I wasn’t allowed to back home. I was…too much of a danger. “he said, eyes closing as though remembering it all over.

“We have some green recruits, never held a sword before now, I’m sure you’re not as bad as you imagine.” He said with certainty.

“You don’t understand. I’m… something of a mistake, so to speak. An anomaly, there’s no magic in either my mother or my father’s bloodline. Then one day, I began to hear the whispers of things not of this world, and it was discovered I had it in me, the magic, I mean. The royal family couldn’t be seen with a _mage_ as next in line to the throne, so I was given a sword, and told to never use it. I meant to follow that order, for the rest of my days if I had to, but I couldn’t control it.” He explained.

The commander lent it some thought, carefully considering his words and letting them sink in before he said anything more. In truth he had no idea what to say, not at first.

“So what happened?” he wondered, genuinely curious at that moment.

He had asked before he really had time to think of whether it was a good idea or not, the look on his face said it was a sensitive subject, one not easily discussed, eyes drawn to his hands, wringing with discomfort. The flickering glow only serving to remind him of the burden he now carried, one he couldn’t fathom.

“I was allowed to go train with the men, and it went well for a few days, I thought for sure it would be alright. Then one day, I went out, same routine as before, only… something went wrong, best as anyone could tell, my energy used the sword as a medium, ‘channeled through’ I believe was the term, and…well, I cut through his sword and his armor. I…I killed him, it wouldn’t have been so hard to handle, I’m sure, except, we grew up together, my best friend, perhaps my only friend. People knew who I was, and few were willing to trust a bastard, fewer still who trusted a man who ‘spoke to demons’. Never mind that I never actually spoke to any demon.” He explained.

The look in his eyes grew sadder with every word he spoke, ending with an expression that was best described as anguish so great, he neared tears. It seemed like he had more to say, and so for that reason, Cullen opted to stay silent and wait a bit longer.

“These markings on my face, these earrings? They were specially placed, supposed to limit my powers, and as far as I can tell, they work. I can still use magic, it’s still fairly powerful, but they said without the means to limit it, I was too dangerous to be around others. I was kept away from others, isolated, until it was decided that I would come here, to keep the kingdom safe, and hopefully, find a way to rend it out of me, before I’m allowed to go home.” He said.

It was difficult to relate to him, on some level. He could identify with the desire to protect what he believed in, to protect those important people in his life, and he could understand wanting to fight alongside others, those were all things he had wanted too. Fate had made him a reluctant mage with a fear of his own abilities, and while he still couldn’t fully trust a mage to go unregulated, it was clear his nobility hadn’t softened his lifestyle any. He was no privileged man who lounged about relishing in making others do his dirty work, and that was commendable. It was a dangerous thought that crossed his mind, but if anything, the Inquisition had taught him that sometimes, a little trust and at least an attempt at understanding went a long way. Cullen stood up, holding his hand out to him, waiting patiently for him to accept it before pulling him to his feet. Kai brushed the bits of snow from his armor, finely crafted, unlike anything most had ever seen here, cold something he was fine with.

“You’re going to need a sword and a shield if you’re going to be joining us.” He said plainly, leaving no room for arguments.

“A—are you sure?” he asked incredulously.

After his cautionary tale, he still saw fit to trust him enough to let him around others? It was the first time he could remember anyone ever treating him that way, didn’t recoil from him in fear or snidely demand he get away. Truly, this place was already growing on him, feeling more like a home than Snowbarrow ever did.

“I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t. Get your gear and fall in, soldier.” He confirmed sternly.

Kai was usually one for maintaining a distance from others, fear of hurting them and proper order demanding he do so, but this, this was something worth breaking those rules for. He threw his arms around him, squeezing slightly, letting go after only a moment or two. It caught him off guard, marked by the way he cleared his throat, his hand kneading the back of his neck, though he didn’t say anything about it.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so…thank you, truly.” Kai said with a smile.

Rushing off before he could answer, he returned a short time later, eagerly stepping into the training area, waiting for instruction as to what he should be doing to avoid throwing off the flow. At the very least, Cullen noticed his form was pretty good for one who hadn’t been allowed to train much. Perhaps he had instead devoted his time to observing, and had managed to pick up on some basics, a promising sign. He only hoped things would go better this time, it was a lot to take on faith only.


	3. Free Will Doesn't Exist (Pt. 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kai realizes his choices are far from his own.

Kai had stayed up far later than he intended, long after everyone else had gone to bed. Training had gone well so far, and he couldn’t resist getting in a little more solo practice, and he was suffering for it now. Still in Haven for the time being, the thoroughly ingrained routine he had been put on prior to his arrival too hard to break from, though he desperately wished this one aspect could be left behind. He stumbled out of bed, the sun barely showing, far too early to expect to see most awake, shuffling absentmindedly towards the chantry. It was a place of mixed feelings for him, on the one hand, it was comforting, familiar. On the other, it only served as a reminder of some of the worst parts of his upbringing, pieces he’d sooner forget than recall every morning as he listened to the prayers echoing in the chamber. No longer one who felt he had much to say to the Maker, he always opted to remain silent, though it was like his presence every morning was necessary for the day to truly begin. Bleary eyed, he took a knee at the back, trying to clear the fog from his mind, when the door quietly opened again.

Cullen, someone he was coming to expect here as well. Though they rarely spoke here, it at least made him feel less alone in the matter. Ex-Templar, commander of the Inquisitions military forces, and yet he couldn’t break the habit of coming here every morning either, despite certainty that he tended to get less sleep than he did. Kai couldn’t say for sure if they ever had too much in common, he hadn’t really tried to pry to find out, but at this instant, it felt like they had everything in common. Ruffled, messy hair from just rolling out of bed, sleep-marked, foggy eyes and a shared look of wondering why they were there instead of in the comfort of a nice, warm bed, sleep beckoning like an irresistible lure. The blonde spared him a glance, though he quickly looked away, a strange reaction, but one he was accustomed to. He got the feeling it wasn’t for quite the same reason as theirs, but every morning there, inevitably, someone would accidentally look in his direction, only to all too quickly look away, a truly lonely feeling.

After a time, he filed out, his work would start shortly. Glancing back, the Commander was not far behind either, time to get back to his own daily routine of reports, paperwork and training. Kai must have been truly tired, laughing weakly at his own thoughts, side by side with the man now, he quietly spoke.

“What exciting lives we lead.” He murmured.

He chuckled quietly too, perhaps it was just that they both could have stood to gain a little more sleep. He meant to gear up and join the training ritual, but a hand on his shoulder snapped him free of that delusion. Looking over his shoulder, he saw the sternly set features of Cassandra, though they softened some when he smiled, despite his growing concern that she might inadvertently catch on.

“A fine morning, is it not?” he asked softly.

Cassandra turned her attention to the skies. Aside from the ominous, dark, looming hole in the sky, it was a bright, clear, and relatively warm morning.

“So it is, I hadn’t noticed.” She began, turning her attention back to him. “Herald, recall the meeting the other night, regarding Mother Giselle? She has been located, and it’s time to seek her out. After that, you can return to your own matters, at least until it’s time to go to Val Royeaux.” She explained.

Kai frowned a little, wondering why it seemed he was never truly free, no matter where he went. Something always seemed to hold him back, and when he did make decisions, they were never truly his, though at times they felt like they _could_ be. The thought of going to Orlais was at least a little exciting, he had never been there before, but he had heard much of it. Not to say he wasn’t well traveled, he had been to Rivain, to the Anderfels, and spent a short time in Antiva, but he had never quite managed to come this far. He disliked warmer places, but it was explained away as necessary if he was to learn the ways of royalty, it often meant going places one didn’t like, to meet with people he may come to dislike, but it had to be done.

“This Mother, is she reasonable?” he wondered.

“She is fair, by all accounts, kindly and gentle. I believe you will get along with her well.” Cassandra answered.

Strange how people assumed that of him. That he would ‘get along well’ with certain people, especially when it came to chantry types. Truthfully, he hated the assumption, it felt as though he again had no choice in the matter but to do his absolute best to get on well with someone he knew little of. Were it up to him, he would have chosen to spend more time alone with only few people. Solas, because he wanted to know more of his travels, of magic and the Fade, things he knew little of, but which might ease his mind a little about his own magic, something no one else had tried to do, instead of making him feel worse about having it at all. Cullen obviously, because he felt he could see eye to eye with him, and he was grateful for the opportunity to at least attempt that which he always wanted to do. Varric also, if only because he had read many of his works, sneaking them in between lengthy volumes on geography, history and other boring subjects. He hadn’t had much of a chance to speak with him alone yet, but if he had, he had so many questions, so much to discuss about those works, and with the Seeker always looming just out of reach, he couldn’t trust a personal conversation with him just yet.  For now though, it was time to see the Hinterlands and find the woman he was supposed to meet with, the ‘kind and gentle Mother Giselle’, who he was supposedly going to get along well with.


	4. Alone?

The Hinterlands was considerably less cold, for the most part. It had unpleasantness to spare, however, displaced refugees with not enough to eat, no protection from the nightly chill, and no healer to speak of. Kai had partially wanted to help out because it was the right thing to do, partially because he was actually nervous about meeting Giselle. He had delayed the inevitable as long as he could, hunting rams, finding supply caches and gathering herbs. It wasn’t until he could find no other way to help out that Cassandra redirected his attention to the issue at hand. 

 

“Herald, I think it’s admirable that you want to help these people, but we came to find Mother Giselle, and you’ll notice, she’s just over there. Why not go see what she has to say so we can return to Haven?” she questioned, rather gently compared to normal. 

 

Kai sighed to himself, crossing the path towards the woman, failing entirely to come up with anything meaningful to say at first, beyond introducing himself. 

 

“Mother Giselle? I’m Kai, I was sent to find you.”  he managed, unable to look at her. 

 

It wasn’t her personally, it was more that he never really managed to get over talking to chantry women. It was an unpleasant reminder of things he’d rather forget, much like his morning chantry visits. He nervously raked a hand through his hair, glancing back to Cassandra for help, though she wasn’t paying attention to him. 

 

“”So you are the one they call the Herald of Andraste?” she asked, directing him to walk with her. 

 

Kai followed, though he found himself reflecting on how he still had no meaningful choice in the matter. It helped no one for him to be stubborn and refuse, not when the situation all around was as dire as it appeared to be. The chantry had already made a point of denouncing him, when he had never once claimed to be sent by Andraste, Again, it was laid on his back without his choice, a fact which only served to remind him that in that respect, royalty was no freer than the castle servants, they had no choice, and neither did he, everything had always been decided for him, what he wore, what he ate, where he went, how he spent his time, and even here, far from his home, it was much the same way.    
  
“So they say. I only claim what I know to be true. I am Kai Seele, prince of Snowbarrow Keep. That much is fact, the only such claim that I have ever made of myself.” he clarified. 

 

“I do not claim to know if it is the truth, who can say with certainty that you have been sent by Andraste? I only mean to offer you some small bit of guidance. Go to Val Royeaux, meet with those who think you a liar, some creature to be feared, show them they are wrong.” she offered. 

 

Val Royeaux was on his list of places to go, at Cassandra’s order of course. Calling out the fragmented members of the Chantry was  _ not _ in his plans, but if it was supposed to help somehow, he could hardly refuse. The alternative being, what? Get locked up in the dungeon again until he either decided to cooperate, or the breach destroyed everything? Those were no options of merit, leaving the only real choice at being doing exactly what she said to do. 

 

“Will that actually help, I don’t think they’d actually listen to me. They’ll only see me as some heretical outsider trying to disrupt an already tense situation further…” he sighed, rubbing his arm thoughtfully. 

 

“You need not sway all of them, or really even any of them. You only need a small seed of doubt. You can surely accomplish that much, one such as yourself must be very persuasive, correct?” she asked. 

 

It was true, he had been taught to be diplomatic and yet also cautious. The game existed in Valdynn, and even the youngest of people could be trusted to know how to play well. This was not unlike that, a bluff, almost, he didn’t need them to believe that he was who they said he was, only to wonder if perhaps he  _ could _ be. That wouldn’t be hard, not really. ‘

“I’m sure I can manage alright. Thank you for meeting with me.”  he replied. 

 

It felt hollow, it usually did. It was nothing that couldn’t have been said via letter, and with how near it was, the bird would have reached quickly enough. Of course, he didn’t feel like it was much help at all either, he hadn’t forgotten the threat of execution, all because he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, or at least that’s how he felt. It was entirely possible he could have caused the explosion, he couldn’t remember what happened. That didn’t sound like something he would have done, especially with no good reason, but it was still  _ possible _ . 

 

“I will go to Haven, if nothing else, I can provide names of those who would consider meeting with you. There are always those who can use aid in some form, I can help.” she said. 

 

Before he had the chance to say anything, she had walked away, leaving him to rejoin the others, sighing to himself. Nervousness had been replaced with frustration over the entire situation. Granted, he had still come to prefer Ferelden to his own home, the people were still far more pleasant in his opinion, but if he had any choice, it would have been preferable to be here as no one special. It was lonely, even with people around, even with the conversations, and the travel, it wasn’t as though these people were actually friends with him, this mark on his hand was the only thing tying them to him, and when he had outlived his usefulness, surely they would leave his side without hesitation. Most eventually did, and this would be no different, he would seal the breach, and be left to his own devices, quickly forgotten, not the kind of thing he was looking forward to, no matter how often it had happened before. 

 

“Herald...Kai, are you alright, you look...stressed.” Cassandra asked quietly. 

 

He stopped in his slow steps, looking back to her for just a moment. It was rare that people expressed concern for him, and what was more unusual was that she actually seemed to care about the answer. Perhaps he was wrong about the people here, and hadn’t given things enough of a chance. 

  
“I’m alright. Just struggling to adjust, I suppose.” he answered. “Thank you, Cassandra.” 


	5. These Thoughts Keep Me Up

Kai perched himself on a rock in the yard, unable to consider sleep even for a moment. His stomach wound in knots, he hunched over. That much would have afforded him plenty of time standing, and a long lecture back home, but here, there was at the very least, no one who would tell him he couldn’t do just that. It wasn’t often that he had difficulties falling asleep, but when it was, it was generally vivid and wandering recollections at the root of the problem. He had thought to pass the time with Solas, but he had long since left for the night, off finding some fascinating place to rest and dream. He was somewhat envious of him, that he could do so seemingly at will, never being allowed to meant Kai didn’t even have the slightest inkling of what that might entail. He could recall no unusual dream that could resemble anything like the way Solas described the Fade. 

 

Haven had a way of appearing like a long abandoned village at night, no lights, save for the stars, the moon and a few torches. No one awake this late except Solas and Cullen, and only one was an option now, though for whatever reason, he lacked the courage to start up a conversation with him. He had been awfully trusting of him so far, even with reasons not to, and had otherwise treated him fairly, it was just that he was somewhat intimidating. Probably the type who might be upset about being bothered for no reason other than ‘I thought it might be nice to pass the time conversing.’ Heaving another sigh, he stretched out along the rock, the cold sting of snow at his back feeling almost pleasant, like he was home, only without the yelling and the rush. 

 

“Shouldn’t fall asleep out here, you’ll catch your death.” he heard. 

 

Lifting his head enough to glance at whatever guard had felt compelled to talk to him, scrambling up quickly when he saw it was in fact, not a guard at all, but the Commander.

 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t sleeping, I just…” he fell silent, realizing his rambling was barely coherent, let alone the kind of behavior considered acceptable for him. 

 

“I take it you can’t sleep either?” he asked, ignoring the hasty apology. 

 

Kai immediately shook his head, sitting up straight on instinct. “No, I’ve got a lot on my mind.” he began, noticing the dark circles under his eyes. 

 

For the first time since he arrived, he seriously stopped to observe him. He was handsome, that much, most seemed to agree on, but he didn’t look good. That was wrong, he looked good, but not  _ well. _ He looked far more exhausted than should be reasonable, an almost unnoticed shaking in his legs, his hands clenching and flexing. Something was wrong, but it wasn’t his place to pry, was it? 

 

“What’s keeping you up, if...if you don’t mind my asking?” he finished. 

 

Cullen seemed to mirror him almost, head tilted just barely to the side, he could tell he was finding the time to actually look at him as well. It would be too suspicious to look away hastily, and he had no clue how to react, except to raise his chin and hope he wouldn’t pay too much attention. His eyes grazed his hair, the way the black melted into the red, flitting down to his eyes, a point of self-consciousness for him, then again to his mouth, before he said anything. 

 

“Not unlike you, my thoughts are keeping me awake.” he said. 

 

He might be wrong, but he could have sworn that was a lie. If it was, he was  _ very _ good about hiding it, if not, then he was far more distracted than he let on. Clearing his throat quietly, he hoped he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries. 

 

“I...well, I’m willing to listen if you feel like sharing.” he offered. 

 

Cullen seemed to be lending it some consideration, taking a seat on the rock, a short distance away, kneading the back of his neck with a sigh. 

 

“It’s nothing, really. What about you?” he wondered. 

 

“Too much. The chantry, my mother, father, the war, magic...it’s overwhelming.” he admitted, regretting it immediately. 

 

_ “Kai, it is ill fitting of a Prince to spew such nonsense. We keep our problems to ourselves,”  _ ‘Advice’ given by the Queen. 

 

He was about to apologize again, distracted when the man replied almost immediately. “I know a little of what you mean. I share your sentiment.” he sighed. 

 

That surprised him. Not only did he seem to be okay with it, but that he was trying to relate. The man who had the Inquisition perched on his back, who had a million things to do every day, still made time to listen. This place was turning out vastly different from what he had grown accustomed to. 

 

“If the Queen could see me now…” he mused quietly. 

 

“I’ve been wondering about that, actually. I couldn’t help but notice you refer to your mother in such a way at some times, but informally at others…” he said. 

 

Kai tensed at that, unsure how to explain it, the words jumbling in his head. “My mother is not the Queen.” 

 

Cullen glanced back, barely noticing the point to his ear when his hand swept his hair back behind it. He said nothing about it, a mild relief for him, most were usually curious about his lineage if they noticed. 

 

“You see...the Queen couldn’t bear any children, and so…” he paused, the story one he had heard often, but which never made him any less bitter about it. “My mother bore a child for him, and they say I spent my first few years with her, but I was too young to remember it on my own. I only remember being taken from her, and told that the Queen was my mother. I’m… not actually supposed to talk about it, but everyone in Valdynn knows, how could they not. Were it not for the Queen being so popular, I’m sure I would have been thrown out long ago.” he explained. 

 

“What do you mean ‘thrown out’?” he asked, brows drawn together in confusion. 

 

“Just that. It’s been a decree long before father became king. Girls are sent to serve in a chantry on the outer edges of the lands, incidentally, right on the edge of the biggest concentration of the fighting, and bastards are supposed to be disowned, left to whatever fate decides. Only true sons of the King and Queen are meant to be kept. I was largely avoided, but because she’s quite popular, out of respect, no one has tried to see me thrown out.” he said with a small shrug. 

 

Hard to process such a thing. “I’m sorry, that sounds horrible...is that why you said the chantry is on your mind? Because it’s such a precarious situation?” 

 

Kai shook his head, staring at his hands for a time. “My cousin, she was really nice to me, and she was sent away when I was young. I saw her again when I had to serve a mandatory year in chantry service, and she...didn’t look so well, she was different. I worry for her often.” he forced a smile, laughing nervously. “Ahh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to throw it all out there like that. I must seem horrible.” 

 

Cullen stretched, ruffling his hair as if his reply was lost somewhere in the untamed curls that composed his hair. “It’s no trouble. We’ll be seeing a lot of each other, I imagine, and getting to know someone is a good way to foster trust. What I mean is that this is probably a good thing.” 

  
He had never considered it that way. This whole time, he had assumed the idle chatter was a vague attempt at filling silence, but what if the people he spoke to were trying to get to know him better, fostering trust, as he had said? That it was even possible that people wanted to trust him was a foreign concept, something that just didn’t happen, if true, it would take some getting used to.


	6. A Glimpse Behind The Curtain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai reveals his 'mother', the Queen, is not all she's cracked up to be after all.

The morning brought word that they were making final preparations for the trip to Val Royeaux, a long affair that would take a fair bit of travel. Kai swept his hand down his face, his eyes pulled down by the gesture, for just a moment, trying to knead away the creeping desire for sleep he had never gotten. He busied himself gathering things he would need for such a trek, double checking before he left, almost jumping when he noticed Cullen there. His voice was low, his hand pressed to the back of his neck as if it might be stiff. 

 

“About last night…” he started, unsure how to bring it up. 

 

Kai quickly stood taller, composing himself so it didn’t seem like he had just been startled after all. “Of course, Commander, what’s on your mind?” 

 

In truth, he had no idea what this could be about. For all he knew, he had wanted to insist it never happened, which was understandable. Even though he wasn’t technically a soldier, it would hardly do to have the one in charge seen as vulnerable in any way. That lack of sleep could possibly get him in trouble, and while he would never mention it, it might be best to confirm such a thing.

 

“Your cousin, I never asked her name.” he said, the look on his face showing he didn’t quite word it the way he wanted to. 

 

Kai breathed a small sigh of relief. If that was all it was, it was no indication that he was unwilling to speak with him further when the chance presented itself. He couldn’t read why he might wish to know such a thing, but he suspected it linked back to the ‘trust’ born of knowing. He smiled a little, recalling her, despite how poorly she looked the last time they met, he couldn’t forget how kindly she had treated him, even knowing what he was. 

 

“Adalgisa  Âme. It’s always fresh in my mind, the name feels fitting. It means ‘noble hostage’ and really, that’s what she is...” he reflected almost sadly. 

 

Cullen frowned slightly, hesitantly patting his shoulder. “That was all. Val Royeaux... Maker watch over you.” 

 

Was it truly that bad that he needed the Maker’s attention? Or was it simply that he came off as the kind of young and naive boy that would be swallowed by the lies and the temptations such a decadent place was known for? True, he had never seen Orlais, but he was far from incapable of protecting himself. On the contrary, he could so easily twist the city around his finger if he willed it. Those innocent looks ended up being more of a blessing than a curse, at least it was so anywhere but home. 

 

“Thank you, Commander. I will return safely, err… that is to say, I will at least return with my neck intact.” he said with a nervous chuckle. 

 

Cassandra stopped in the path, her expression more severe than it usually seemed, and he couldn’t help but notice the bags under her eyes. Had she also been having trouble sleeping, or was hers due to stress? 

 

“There you are, are you ready to set out?” she grunted. 

 

Kai nodded his departure to the man, quickly catching up with her before glancing around. “Are...are we leaving like this? I mean, just the two of us?” he wondered. 

 

Cassandra looked behind her, throwing her arms up. “It would appear I lost the apostate and that conniving little…” 

 

Her words trailed off, until she noticed they had simply stopped long enough for Varric to give his weapon a once over. If he recalled correctly, he had even given the crossbow a name, Bianca, that was it. A charming name, and the care he took for it was somehow more innocent than such a man seemed capable of. Oh yes, he had read the stories, the  roguish author with a penchant for tall tales, grandiose feats of bravery and well, probably not entirely true, much of it seemed almost impossible, but it still made for fascinating reading. Particularly the Tale of the Champion, spun in such a way that he was  _ dying _ to meet Hawke someday, if he ever had the chance. Even there, though, nestled in the words on those pages, he was keeping a secret, and really, his life seemed to revolve around them at this point. 

 

“ _ Now _ , we’re ready…” he heard, shaking his head to focus on the matter at hand. 

 

They made it out of Haven quickly, largely due to the Seeker’s motivated pace, and it occurred to him to make an inquiry. “So...Cassandra, I had heard you were the Right Hand of the Divine. It’s a safe assumption you’ve been to Val Royeaux, yes? What can I expect there?” 

 

Cassandra didn’t halt, but in fact, stepped up her pace. She hadn’t told him that much, and he gathered she wasn’t quite sure how he knew, but it wasn’t exactly a secret, that probably wasn’t it after all. He quickened his steps to meet hers, trying to keep his awareness up in case of an attack. 

 

“It is the center of the grand game, the one Leliana is so... _ fond _ of. “ she began, her lip curling in distaste, clear that she wasn’t interested. “As such, you can expect that everyone is playing, and they’re doing it for themselves. Those who see your worth and influence will try desperately to become your best friend, they will know you can afford them things they desire. The chantry has done their best to insist you are a heretic, but as fractured as they are, trying to vie for support in becoming the next Divine, no doubt, their word will mean precious little, some will listen though. It is...mixed, to say the least. Do not trust them, Herald. They are all out for their own gains, not yours.” 

 

Kai couldn’t tell if it was her own dislike that peppered her words, or if it was out of genuine concern for his wellbeing that influenced the sentiment, but it was helpful, at the very least. Cullen’s words made sense now, Val Royeaux was a pit of vipers, and he was indeed concerned it would swallow him whole and leave naught but bones when it finally spat him out. He was prepared well for such situations, in fact better than most might anticipate. Not entirely because the very same slow dance called the game was in constant full swing in his lands, but because... he couldn’t finish the thought, his fingers grazing the marks etched on his face. That inevitably led him to flinch, to pull away from his own exploration, the memory of the intense pain inflicted on him just to keep his own unwanted power in check as fresh as the day it happened, though that was now years past. Cassandra noticed, watching in her own nearly suspicious way, finally bringing it up when he nearly tripped over a branch. 

 

“Does it trouble you? I imagine you didn’t ask for those.” she wondered, quiet, almost reflectively. 

 

“You’re correct about that. I did not want these. It was painful, I was sick for days, left to writhe on the floor. Imagine if you will, being scarcely more than a child, blind from the tears and the pain, too sick from it to eat, all wailing left ignored ‘for your own good’... that was the Queen’s solution for my magic.” he said, frowning. 

 

How that woman was as beloved by all as she was when she had been only cruel to him was a mystery. The King had been kindly for the most part, his eyes always filled with pity at his treatment, unable to offer much assistance, the best he could do was to send him as far from it as possible, in this case, Ferelden. The best he could do was exile, without it being called exile, if only because he was the only means to keep the line going. Sad, really. 

 

“That sounds absolutely disgusting. How anyone could do that, to a child, no less, it’s beyond words.” she spat. 

 

“Ahh, the favored Queen of Valdynn is far more terrible than all that, she only puts on a pretty face for others. Behind closed doors, I’ve come to see the monster inside.” he muttered bitterly. 

 

“Was it she who taught you to fear magic?” Solas wondered curiously, the first he had spoken all morning. 

 

“Yes. I am not particularly afraid of magic in general so much as what I can do...have done already.” he replied. 

 

“In time, with practice, you might become more comfortable with it, if you’d like, perhaps I could offer some advice, the way you’ve explained it before, you also have the chance to enjoy the Fade, that is something to look forward to.” he said. 

 

A fine idea, but far from comforting at this point. It did little to soothe the well of emotions springing up inside him, ones he was working very hard to compose, to be the very image of a proper heir that he was told to be, a cracked facade did no favors for anyone. 

 

“Thank you, I appreciate your kindness, Solas.” he said, though at that singular moment, it was hollow. He did truly appreciate it deep down, but on the surface, he wished he could simply tell him to stuff it. It wasn’t his fault, of course, how could it be? 


	7. Dream Of Home

They had made it close to Val Royeaux before night had fallen, the city had fallen asleep, in view of their camp site, it seemed to him like a dead city, the cold, ornate corpse,dark, only the faint glow of lanterns signaling that it was, in truth, not abandoned, though one might be forgiven for thinking it was. Snowbarrow, on the other hand, felt warm and alive, even in the dead of night, quiet, of course, but well lit, scores of soldiers and guards exchanging duties of keeping watch. The tents were pitched quickly, and for the first time in his life, he had to share quarters, where even in the chantry, he was largely isolated from others, it would have been him, Varric and Solas, though he quickly made his way off, not entirely unusual for a man who professed a love of dreaming. He could have had that discussion with Varric now, had he not also quickly fell asleep, his occasional huffing snores the only sound. Kai stretched out, closing his eyes, and sleep had claimed him that night, faster than it had in so long. He imagined it would help, but as he tended to be at times, he was wrong. 

 

_ He knew this room well, the gold trim accenting the blank white walls, windows with elegant patterns allowing warm sunlight to filter in, and yet, it was deceptive. Seeing through the eyes of a younger version of himself, feeling the warm sting of tears, desperately clinging to his father’s coattails. “Please, don’t leave me there, I don’t want to go there…” _

 

_ His father turned and knelt to one knee, a hand perched on his shoulder, those dark eyes filled with that same pity they always had. He drew him in, squeezing him tightly, true regret on his face, though he pulled back, the cold air covering him like spectral hands pulling him to purgatory. “Kai...you know this has to happen, it’s always been this way…” he began, glancing around the room, ensuring they were alone, his voice lowering as he continued in a whisper. “Think of it this way, you won’t have to deal with Gaelle for a year, it’s the only way I can protect you…”  _

 

_ He swept his hair back behind his ears, sighing as his thumbs brushed the slight points. Father had a point, at least he would be sheltered from her fury, the best possible outcome he could hope for. His touch was gentle, though something caught his eye, pulling the shoulder of his outfit down, barely concealed rage flashing at the bruising gash lacing his shoulder. He knew, even then, that woman had a mean streak, but was helpless to stop it. The situation was tenuous at best, and the people would turn on him, ousting him if he had even seriously considered throwing Gaelle out.  _

 

_ “Go, Kai. Go to the chantry, do your service...do you remember what they say?” he prompted.  _

 

_ Kai rubbed at his eyes, trying to stop the tears, words cut between sniffling sobs. “Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide…”  _

 

_ He smiled, lightly ruffling his hair, his expression one of pride. “That’s right, my son. Look at you, already so smart...the Maker will watch over you in my stead. I will see you in a year, and I will never, never let you go again, I swear it.”  _

 

Kai sat up with a start, clutching his head, unwilling to close his eyes again. He must have made some noise he hadn’t been aware of, Varric scrambling to sit up, wary and almost shocked. He scanned the dark tent before turning his attention to him, realizing it had only been him, and not an attack after all. He groaned, hanging his head, but his words were said with concern. 

 

“You okay, Snowflake?” he asked. 

 

It took a moment to realize he was addressing him. It was a momentary distraction, trying to figure out why he was calling him that. 

 

“Snowflake?” he asked curiously. 

 

“Naturally.” he said, as though the reason should be obvious. 

 

It wasn’t, not immediately, until he realized  _ Snow _ barrow Keep...it made a strange sort of sense, and being fair, he had wished for a nickname that wasn’t ‘Bastard’, he got what he wished for, anyway. 

 

“I’m sorry if I woke you up, it’s just... “ he trailed off, shaking his head. “It’s nothing, I apologize.” 

 

Clearly, he wasn’t fooled by his insistence that there was nothing troubling him. He fell back for a moment, stretching before he slowly sat back up. His hand dipped into his coat, and for a split second, it crossed his mind that he might actually be in trouble, until he pulled out a deck of cards. He carried those with him? He couldn’t imagine the reason, how often would they really be of use to warrant keeping them on his person?

 

“Ever played Wicked Grace?” he asked. 

 

Kai shook his head curiously. He’d never had a chance to play any kind of card game before, the only games he could actually recall being chess, hide and seek, and a game they called ‘pester the sister’, which, as the name implied, involved bothering a sister until she eventually lost her poise and became annoyed. Kai, unfortunately, never got the hang of that one, he had only managed to succeed in that once, and only then after being goaded into asking about her underthings, on a dare, naturally. 

 

“No, I’m afraid I haven’t.” he answered. 

 

“Tonight, you’re going to learn. I’ll be sure to explain first before we get to placing bets. I’m a fair man, I won’t take your coin until I’m sure you have some idea of what you’re doing.” he said, grinning. 

 

Scratching at his head, he gave a slight nod, being careful to pay attention. Not because he might struggle to grasp the rules, but because he wasn’t completely sure that the man wasn’t going to take him for every last sovereign if he didn’t. 


	8. One Look...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it isn't competely obvious, Kai has the power to sway minds with one look, though he has a deep dislike for doing so. It will play in to later chapters, to a small extent.

The camp came down in record time, pausing at the gates. Cassandra couldn’t help but notice he seemed in a much better mood, while Varric, on the other hand, appeared to be miserable. 

 

“You’re looking better this morning, Herald.” she commented. 

 

“I feel better, I think it’s because... _ my pockets feel so much heavier. _ ” he said with a grin. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Brag it up, Snowflake, I’ll get you back next time.” Varric huffed. 

 

Cassandra rolled her eyes, and they walked in together, one of Leliana’s spies meeting them just inside, informing them that Templars, in addition to the mothers were waiting for them. That was unexpected, but it changed nothing, he only needed a moment for what he had planned, the only strategy he had to make sure they couldn’t muster the support to see him hanged. She noticed the look on his face had shifted, less cheerful, more concerned, but focused, thoughtful. That was a familiar expression, one she had witnessed on Leliana’s face on an occasion or two. When something had her worried, but she was still possessed of enough clarity to scheme a way out.

 

“I came to make sure you return, Herald. Don’t let them see a weakness, and it will be alright.” she whispered. 

 

Kai nodded, but he had no intention of giving them enough time to see anything but what he wanted to show. Standing taller, they made their way through the gathered crowd, approaching the front, he stopped for just a moment, taking a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare himself, using magic was frightening, and at least in his mind, always carried an inherent risk of being unable to control it. 

 

_ “Please, just one glance, one second, that’s all I need…’  _ he thought. 

 

This, he knew was wrong. Not just in his mind, but everything he had learned in the chantry told him this particular brand of magic was definitely against the doctrine. Magic was meant to serve man, not rule over him… 

 

She looked down from the platform at him, his chance, and he would seize it. He looked up at her, their eyes locked, and her expression shifted, as if lost in the frosty pallor of his wide, innocent gaze. Concentrating, he tried to focus strictly on what the message he wanted to deliver was. He could only hope now that it had stuck, and that the Maker would forgive his misuse.

 

“People of Val Royeaux…” she announced, calling all eyes to her. 

 

 _‘Please, let it take…’_ he begged silently. 

 

Cassandra spared him a glance, her hand grasping his shoulder reassuringly, as if trying to strengthen his resolve. 

 

“The  _ Herald of Andraste  _ has decided to show himself.” she continued. 

 

No, no, no, it wasn’t working, his stomach dropped, nerves shaken as his glance flickered to the gallows, just a short distance away. Despite all assurances, he was going to feel that rope around his neck after all…

 

The mother stared down at him. “I do not know if you are indeed Andraste’s chosen, or if you have the power they say you hold, but if you are not allowed the opportunity, we are all dead...Go with the Maker’s blessing, child.” she said. 

 

It had worked after all. Kai heaved a relieved sigh, the tension fading, a slightly nauseous feeling washing over him. His mind was swimming, a confusing mix of being glad his life appeared to be safe, but guilt over how he had managed it in the first place. He barely registered Cassandra’s outraged shouting, and by the time it occurred to him to snap out of it, whatever had happened seemed over, the mother laid out on the platform, Templars long gone, he rushed to her side, helping her stand. Cassandra pulled him away before they strayed too far from their goal, when he noticed a woman waving to him, a man staring and an arrow landing mere inches from him, it was almost too much to take in, too many people vying for his attention at once, it felt like he was being pulled apart, his first true glimpse of what was expected of him here. 

 

Glancing up, he saw Cassandra’s suspicious look, and he forced his panic aside, sweeping his hair back, standing tall, trying to look as authoritative as he could, clearing his throat, managing to stuff it down enough to at least act the part he was meant to play. 

 

“Shall we sort this out, Seeker?” he asked. 

 

“I think that’s a good idea. Let’s sort this out, and get back...this Templar situation could become a problem, and the sooner we give our report, the sooner we can keep an eye on it…” she said. 

 

She made a point he hadn’t even begun to consider yet, and truthfully, he wasn’t entirely convinced he could wrap his head around it. There were certainly Templars where he came from too, many residing in the chantry proper as well, and he was sure they served a similar function as they did here, but that they would separate from the chantry,  _ and _ publicly assault a mother in front of people, that was a new level of abuse of power that he had never tried to picture. Against his own wishes, Cullen sprang to mind, wondering what his reaction would be to this kind of news. The only one he could think of aside from Cassandra herself with any connection to the men here. Speaking of men, he couldn’t help but notice that everywhere he looked, people were staring at him, it was uncomfortable to be the subject of such close scrutiny, to say nothing of the mixed topics of conversation. What he would do about the Templars to reign them in, if anything, if he could, in fact close the breach, whispered prayers for safety, and even topics he would rather not have heard himself, let alone ever repeat to anyone else, unspeakable subjects that caused a deep blush to rise on his cheeks, picking up the pace, never more eager to be done with business and return home. 

 

“ _ When did Haven start feeling like home?” he asked, the thought aggressive, as though he were actually interrogating himself.  _

  
  



	9. I Feel Shadows

Val Royeaux was days away, and in exchange, Haven was not far, certain he would see it in view within an hour. There had been precious little conversation, not only because it felt like the group was still reeling over the events, but largely due to him not feeling like talking. Forget that much, he didn’t even want to  _ look _ at anyone. It wasn’t them personally, but a flaw in himself, whenever he used that power, he found himself reflecting on it, wondering if he could accidentally abuse it if he became careless enough to meet the eyes of anyone at all. Surely it had positive applications, why would he be given it if not for some manner of good he could do with it, and yet he had never found such a use. Varric ultimately broke the silence, though his tone was an indication it wasn’t for entertainment but merely because the quiet was getting to him. 

 

“You handled that party well. Been to many?” he asked. 

 

Ah, yes, Madame de Fer’s salon, an affair that must have been grand by Orlesian standards, but nowhere near to any he had ever had the misfortune of attending. 

 

“A fair few. Mostly in other places, as you can imagine, what with the war, there’s not often enough calm to throw our own. I do seem to recall one held at home in particular, lasted for three days and three nights, nobility from places I had never even heard of. The Duke of Foxwynne brought an ice sculpture of some beast, and by the end of the second night, had thrown the Viscount of Goldbourne into it, something about him stealing his scone. Naturally, the Queen was mortified.” he said. 

 

“You didn’t look very comfortable.” Solas commented. 

 

“I wasn’t. As you might expect, I’m extraordinarily uncomfortable around women, and offering to kill someone for an insult did nothing to ease my mind. Tell me to play a song, sing, dance, anything, and I can at least play the part…” he mumbled. 

 

The conversation fell flat from there, and with the gates coming into view, he felt able to relax, at least a little. He breathed a sigh of relief, splitting from the group to rush ahead on his own, ready to head for his room and be content to be left alone with his thoughts. Instead, he was ushered towards the war room to hear his report. Abandoned there, he meant to go in until he heard raised voices, frozen in place, unsure if he was meant to hear or if he should go. 

 

“Has there been a response yet?” the voice too muffled to identify from his distance. 

 

“They have refused. We just don’t have enough influence to make a request like this!” a woman’s insistent voice. 

 

“You’re telling me you can’t come up with something? Isn’t it your job to know these things?” the man’s voice again. 

 

“I have one way, but it would involve a forgery, and I don’t imagine you’re alright with that.” A different woman’s voice this time. 

 

There was a pause in the conversation, and Kai imagined that was the end of it, until the man spoke up one last time. 

“Whatever it takes, make it happen. This is important.” he said, his tone hesitant. 

 

He heard footsteps and quickly scrambled for the door, turning when he reached it, his pace slow so he would seem like he had only just arrived. The door opened, and the Commander stepped out with a heavy sigh, glancing up long enough to notice him. He seemed almost relieved, but he refused to look long enough to know for sure. 

 

“Ah, you’re back. Leliana is waiting for your report.” he said, walking by him, though he paused. “Glad to see you’re alright.” 

 

No time to process such a thing, as he left shortly after. Another thing to confuse him, was he actually glad or was it formality? Had anyone ever been glad to see him? He tucked his hands to his chest, keeping his head down as he made his way back to the war room, this time going in. Hearing such sentiments had a way of throwing him off, and it had been more than enough to make him forget what he meant to say. Thankfully, Cassandra had caught up finally, and gave her report first. Leliana spoke to him, and it took longer than it should have to register her words. 

 

“Well done, truly. You’ve attracted quite the following. We received word ahead of your arrival, pledges of support, Cullen informed me there have even been recruits eager to join. Whatever you did, you’ve exceeded anything we could have expected.” she praised. 

 

Kai flinched at her words, like she hadn’t been pleased, but instead went to strike him. He knew very well what he had done, and to him, had done nothing worthy of any kind of support. He influenced the mother’s words, and without that much, he was positive no one would have a thing to do with the Inquisition still. It was his fault, and he knew it, this was no good thing, this was horrible. An outcome he didn’t anticipate, one he refused to take credit for. 

 

“It was the goal, not me, my lady.” he said. 

 

Leliana laughed a little at the term, but said nothing about it ultimately. That formality seemed to add to his innate charm, and it was useful, as the mark on his hand was. While she couldn’t say what he had done with any certainty, she knew  _ something _ had to have happened. The mother in question was a stubborn woman who didn’t easily change an opinion, there was no way she would simply have allowed him to leave without making sure any who would listen  _ knew _ it was blasphemy.  That skill in persuasion would only help matters along the way, she was sure of it. 

 

“You should take a moment to rest while you have it, Herald. There is the matter of whether to appeal to the mages or the templars for assistance, and it’s best you have a fresh perspective when you make your decision.” Josephine stated. 

 

When did this become his choice? He had initially come here as a prisoner, that all these decisions fell to someone no one could truly claim to know felt a poor choice. Regardless, he had at least a little knowledge of strategy, and was reasonably certain he could make it, if he had to. 


	10. The Nightingale's Concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit from Leliana changes Kai's perspective.

Kai sat on his bed, head tipped back against the wall, a length of black silk across his face, a habit that had been forced on him when the Revered Mother had seen what he was capable of. He had been forced to wear just such a thing for a solid month, on the basis that he couldn’t be trusted not to use it. A fitting punishment, he felt, though he hated it at the same time. The sound of the door caused him to turn towards it, though he couldn’t exactly see who it was. He had learned to glean information from his surroundings based solely on sound, and what he could tell, whoever it was had halted, only a moment, before approaching. The scraping of wood on stone was the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor, and the gentle thump indicated his guest had sat by him, a woman, he guessed. Not Cassandra, she was far louder in her movements, and Josephine’s clothes made a very specific sound. 

 

“What are you doing, if I may ask?”

 

_ Leliana _ . Andraste preserve him, he had done something to warrant her attention, that wasn’t a good sign…

 

“N...nothing in particular.” he answered nervously. 

 

That was no good, she would know that was a lie. He wasn’t prepared to explain it out of fear of what she might do, but at the same time, he knew what her job entailed, and if he didn’t tell her, he had an idea of the lengths she was willing to go to get it out of him. Swallowing hard, he decided that telling her might be the less painful option. 

 

“I’m sorry, that was a lie, I didn’t mean to…” he mumbled. 

 

“I’m aware of that. Does it have anything to do with what happened?” she asked, surprisingly gentle. Her voice was warm, and it caught him off guard. 

 

Nothing like the women in the chantry back home, not nearly as severe and cold. It was unusually soothing, though he kept his guard up, in case it was just the prelude to what punishment was waiting for him after. 

 

“Yes…” he confirmed. 

 

“It must be truly upsetting if you feel the need to go to these lengths to hide it.” she said. 

 

He nodded, despite how gently she spoke, it did nothing to still the slight trembling in his hands. 

 

“Tell me about it, I’m quite curious about how it works…” she prodded. 

 

His head dropped to his chest, speaking quietly as if that somehow made a difference. “I was born with black eyes, like my father’s. When the magic came, they turned grey, and when it was suppressed, they lost their color entirely. Around that time, I discovered by accident that I can influence people, implant what to think, what to say...it is...an unholy gift.” 

 

He could feel her hands on his face, and he pulled away, tensing visibly, the combination of fear of himself and fear of just how close she was getting to him. It didn’t deter her, undoing the tight knot holding it in place, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. 

 

“Open up, let me see.” she insisted. 

 

He hesitated, just barely, enough to see the dark fabric of her robes, not enough. At his reluctance, she lifted his chin, the red of her hair coming into view against his wishes. She was smiling...not a frightening smile, but one he didn’t believe an assassin capable of. 

 

“Come on now, I’m not going to eat them, I only want to get a good look.” she laughed. 

 

He sighed, opening fully at her insistence. She leaned closer, turning his head from side to side before letting him go, returning to her seat. He had struggled to blank his mind, afraid to accidentally impose anything on her. She could see what he wouldn’t say, he was terrified of her, but not just her, the knowledge that she could hurt him was a factor. 

 

“I once was a sister, in the chantry in Lothering. I stood at the side of the Hero of Ferelden, I believed it was the Maker’s will. Now, it is my job to advise you on options and matters you will face. That is all I wish to do, I want to show you that there are ways you can use this for good. I need only know the limitations. Can you trust me?” her voice was calm.

 

It felt like a lot to ask, but something inside said he  _ could _ . The prospect of trusting anyone was daunting, and willfully using this was terrifying, but he had the feeling that she knew what she was doing, and if anyone here could teach him, perhaps it really was her. 

 

“What do you want me to do?” he asked curiously. 

 

“I want you to look me in the eyes and show me what it is you can do. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for anything serious.” she guided him. 

 

What exactly was he supposed to think? Nothing serious, he could manage that, but surely this was wrong. At her order, he focused on her eyes, realizing for the first time that he had only now found out what color they were. They didn’t bear the usual look either, not quite as intense, in that moment, she appeared every bit the lay sister she claimed to be. He lost focus, his thoughts wandering to the chantry for a moment. 

 

“Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.” she chanted. 

 

It made him cringe slightly, his gaze shifting to his feet. She said nothing at first, trying to make sense of it. 

 

“Why that, specifically? Does it somehow comfort you?” she asked. 

 

Kai immediately shook his head. “Not at all. It’s just something I recalled hearing often.” 

 

Leliana seemed lost in thought, considering something. “You said you can control what is said. What I wonder is if it’s possible for you to also control action. You may not see it, but if so, this is more of a blessing than you’re thinking.” 

 

“That isn’t true. Magic is meant to serve man, not to rule over him, if I did that it’s not serving at all.” he argued. 

 

“You see it only as denying a choice. Think of the possibilities, try to see it as I do. An enemy has you cornered, and you’re defenseless? You could will him to stop. If you needed to rally those to action, you could send the message they need to hear, say the very thing they need when they need it. If you prefer, you could see it as doing the Maker’s work, inspire, if that is what you wish.” she explained. 

 

It offered an insight he had never considered before. There could truly be positive applications for it that surely were not evil. 

 

“As of yet, you have not willfully influenced anyone here, which says to me that you  _ can _ control it. Only your fear is holding you back, if you let go of that, I believe you need not hide your eyes, it is a choice you make, not the look itself.” she said. 

 

It was true, using it required conscious effort, and only the fear that he might, without realizing he was doing so, consciously be affecting others. He still wasn’t anywhere near using it indiscriminately, but with a bit more consideration, it could prove useful. 

 

“Do you really think I can manage that?” he asked, concerned. 

 

“I know you can. You are stronger than you realize, and it was not the mark that made it so. Oh yes, I have heard the stories, that you haven’t simply given up says all I need to know, you are tough, you have what it takes to do whatever you set your mind to.” she assured him, rising from her seat. 

 

He watched her walk away, surprised when she paused once more at the door. “I would like your permission to look into this matter a little further. I still wish to see the full extent of it, and that will require further use.” 

 

“If you think it’s alright...I suppose it’s fine…” he sighed. 

 

Her hand on the door, she smiled slightly. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but Cullen has made a request on your behalf. I won’t go into specifics, but you’ve certainly had an unusual impact on him. It’s rare that he speaks so highly of anyone.” 

 

She left, and in her place, there were only more questions. What had he done to make her treat him so kindly? What had happened to have any kind of praise from the Commander, it wasn’t as though he had been overly skilled in training? More importantly, what could anyone possibly request on his behalf? He had kept largely to himself, and surely no one knew enough about him to make a difference. 

  
  



	11. Work Never Ends

Kai wandered the yard, largely silent, the decision being the thing on his mind. To side with the mages, or to look into the Templars. He had yet to meet with the mages, if he opted to, and it was a decision he wasn’t yet ready to make. For anyone else, it seemed like life was continuing on as usual, soldiers busy training, the chant of light heard all throughout the grounds, nothing out of the ordinary for the most part. Turning his focus to the door of the chantry, he frowned, a face he had never seen before stood just outside. It looked to him like most had simply walked past him, and he seemed frustrated. Sighing to himself, he stopped, diverting his path to make an inquiry. 

 

“Hard to get a word in, if no one stops, isn’t it?” he asked quietly. 

 

“I’ve been trying, got a message I’m supposed to deliver.” he replied. 

 

He hardly felt qualified for this, but seeing as how he was the only one willing to listen, he took it upon himself to hear him out. 

 

“I’m here, what is it?” he wondered. 

 

“My company commander expressed an interest in working with the Inquisition. There’s been word of Tevinter mercenaries at the Storm Coast, and...if you’re interested, he’d like you to come see what we can do.” he explained. 

 

Kai knew he should have been more cautious, asked more questions, who this man was, and what his commander was like. At the very least, why the message was directed to the Inquisition, but he didn’t want to add to his stress, the Storm Coast was far off, and he had come a great distance to arrive here. It felt like it would only be a burden to pester him for further information when it would be far easier just to go and see for himself.

 

“Very well, I’ll discuss it and see what can be done. I look forward to seeing what your group is capable of.” he said politely. 

 

“Thank you.” he said, nodding slightly. 

 

Cullen was busy with training, but Leliana wasn’t far off, he could speak with her about it right then, and he meant to, until he noticed she was in an important sounding discussion. He couldn’t hear it well, but something about an agent being killed, and what to do about it. His hand instinctively closed around his arm, waiting to be noticed, the man she spoke to gesturing to him. Leliana looked back, and as though a candle had been lit, she reached for him, drawing him into the middle of the situation. 

 

“What fortunate timing, your presence gives me an idea. Do you recall what we spoke of?” she asked. 

 

Kai only nodded, wondering what that could have to do with anything at that moment. 

 

“One of my agents is responsible for the death of another. I had intended to have him mercifully put down, however, I believe there may still be use for him. Would it interest you to do as I suggested, and possibly see him back to duty, or would you rather not?” she asked. 

That was an unexpected question, yet another he was uncertain how to answer. On the one hand, if he still had use, he was an asset, right? A murderer though, one who it sounded like, had killed without cause, was he worth saving, even if he was useful? The more he thought about it, he realized he too, had killed before, without reason, accidental though it was, in his mind, that made him a murderer too. Was he himself worth saving? 

 

“I’m not sure what you’d like me to do with him, but I will see him…” he finally answered. 

 

“That’s wonderful to hear.” she said, nodding to the man. “See to the arrangements.” 

 

He left, and once again, he was left alone with her. He could tell she had more to say. “Was there...something else?” 

 

“I had a matter I wished to ask you of.” she said. 

 

Kai shifted uneasily in place, guiltily staring down at his hands. “If this is still about the Conclave, I...I wouldn’t have hurt the Divine, I may not always  _ like _ it, but I do share your beliefs. Even if I feel I’ve long fell out of the Maker’s sight.” 

 

Leliana raised an eyebrow at that, but didn’t push him to speak of it more. “No, it isn’t that. I have been thinking more and more of the Wardens. None, save for one, a man named Blackwall have been seen, let alone heard from. I can’t help but find the timing of it suspicious. They say he’s in the Hinterlands, and I thought...if you meant to meet with the mages, you might try to find him while you’re in the area.” 

 

That was all? At the very least, it solved a problem for him, he would at least hear the mages out, and then swing back to find this Warden for her. If there was even a chance he had information, it was worth the trouble.

 

“Of course, I’d be happy to see to it.” he said, ready to set off, until he recalled the man’s invitation. “That’s right. Something about Tevinter mercenaries on the Storm Coast, I’ve been asked to look into it, is...is that alright?” 

 

Leliana laughed quietly, but nodded. “You are the Herald, it’s up to you what allies you seek. Bolstering support for the Inquisition can only help matters, and will make you seem less frightening by comparison. Some still don’t believe you’re not a divine messenger, and while it matters little if you are or aren’t, ultimately, the sight of so many at your side may help ease their fears, at least, a little.” 

 

“Very well then. I shall make time to look into this as well. When I return, I shall have an answer on the matter of who to approach for aid, and...if you still wish, I will meet with your agent and do what I can.” he told her. 

 

It was strange to be told he  _ could _ do something like this without many attempts to discourage him. Even back home, he wasn’t even allowed to pour his own tea, and he found it pleasant to be told he was allowed to pick his own allies.


	12. Redcliffe

“Could they have made it any more obvious?” Kai asked. 

 

“Oh sure, a sign saying ‘This is a trap’ comes to mind.” Varric offered. 

 

“No, that’s too obvious. Someone wanted me here, if not the Grand Enchanter, than who?” He wondered. 

 

The door swung open, and strangely dressed figures came in, led by a man who was obviously out of place. 

 

“Guessing that’s your man right there.” Solas murmured. 

 

Kai was gestured to a table, taking a seat. Negotiations? He had agreed to nothing, this was only supposed to be a chance to meet and discuss the situation. At least that’s how it felt in his mind. This, this was a situation he had yet to be prepared for, the Queen’s tight hold on him meant that even father couldn’t secure him a place at his side to attend any formal meetings of this nature. 

 

“So, mages then…” he said. 

 

It was a stupid statement, calmly stated as it were, it was still just him blurting out the first thing that came to mind. He knew very little of this man except a name and a place, Magister Gereon Alexius, of the Tevinter Imperium. In his time here, he had learned little of Tevinter except that they were enemies of Ferelden, largely. Possible though, that some among them  _ could _ be friendly, why else would they be allowed in Redcliffe without being attacked on sight?

 

“Are you certain you’re free to discuss this? The Herald being a mere boy, should you not have someone else here with you?” he asked. 

 

It was meant to get under his skin, and it did. Granted, he was young, but not  _ that  _ young, and adult by all stands, if only just. He crossed his leg over his lap, arms folded against his chest.

 

“This _boy_ has already stilled the Breach. I have gained the Chantry’s approval, and garnered considerable support for the Inquisition. I believe I’ve more than earned my right to discuss this without help.” he answered, as calmly as he could. 

 

He hated bragging, and giving that kind of attitude was something he rarely did, difficult to provoke, he cursed himself silently for giving in to it. Vivienne, at the very least, seemed to approve of it, and Varric’s confident smile was reassuring, Solas, however was always a challenge to read. Granted, he did do what he claimed he had, he regretted the form of ‘help’ required to do so.

 

“Then let’s discuss this.” He paused, sending his son, a man called Felix to fetch someone. “This task before you will require an untold amount of magic. You realize how many mages you’re asking for?” 

 

Kai tilted his head. He was being pushed into this, he had made no promises to side with the mages, had never given an indication that he in fact, needed any mages at all. It had him curious to discover the Magister’s end game, and for that reason, he decided to go along with it.

 

“A great many, I’m sure. But you have them, I require them. What will it take to make this happen?” he asked. 

 

That was the point, ultimately. By trying to discern what it was he wanted, he might be able to figure out what he was plotting. If it began to feel dangerous, there were always the Templars to fall back on. Before he could speak, Felix stumbled back in, the Magister rising from his seat. Kai stood as well, turning to assess the situation, moving like that, he wondered if somehow the man had been attacked, perhaps even poisoned. He fell against him, and he worked to keep him upright, a challenge, he admitted. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” he began. 

 

Alexius went to his side, excusing himself to see to his son’s health, his quick departure a pleasant convenience for him, until he noticed the note in his hand. His work here, it seemed, was not yet over. Well out of earshot, he turned to the others, holding up the paper. 

 

“To the chantry. Someone means to warn us.” he said. 

 

After meeting with a few people along the way, namely a woman posing as a sister and a tranquil alchemist, they made their way to the chantry door. 

 

“Herald, dear, you do realize this is likely a trap also?” Vivienne questioned. 

 

“Yes, I’m sure. I just need to see it through.” he sighed, this time cursing his curiosity.

 

Just inside, there was a mage fighting demons, pouring from, of all things, a fade rift in the center of the chantry. Not a hopeful picture. The man nodded his head towards the rift. Kai drew his blade reluctantly, the group engaging the demons. Working together, the waves ended quickly enough, and Kai raised his hand to close the rift, pulling his hand back with a mild groan. He hated the way it felt, but it was effective, so at least it was of some use. The mage introduced himself as Dorian Pavus, another from Tevinter. He was entertaining, something he had not anticipated, warning of the danger he had walked into. To which, of course he said he was aware, and had been since their arrival. He insisted Alexius had somehow used time magic to reach Redcliffe before the Inquisition. Kai had never heard of time magic, but he could guess it wasn’t a good thing, that much was certain. 

 

Felix arrived not long after, informing them that the reason for such an act was that his father had joined a cult. Venatori, he called them, said they were obsessed with him, for some unknown reason. Not a thought he wanted to consider for long, he hadn’t been in this part of Ferelden long, and already he had somehow managed to catch the attention of a cult. So much for keeping a low profile, at this rate, surely half of Thedas had already caught word of him, and that meant a greater risk of his secret coming to light. He grimaced as the two left the room, sweeping a hand through his hair. Part of him was actually sick of hiding it, but he knew that the reason was good. To protect his mother, his father, and himself. All of which would be in grave danger if it were revealed. 

 

“Suppose we should put Redcliffe behind us. Still have matters in the Storm Coast to see to, and a lone Warden. This is all more serious than I expected.” he sighed. 

 

“Have you reached a decision then?” Solas asked. 

 

Kai shook his head in denial. “Not really. Time magic sounds serious, and of course, Tevinter, the Venatori, it all sounds like bad news. I have no idea what the Templars are thinking, Cassandra said the Lord Seeker wasn’t the man she remembered, and I have a gut feeling there’s something big happening among them as well. No matter what I go with, I can’t shake the thought that I’m leaving something awful as a threat. There will be no satisfying conclusion to this, and I...I don’t want to be responsible for the backlash.” 

 

“Snowflake, bad shit happens. A lot of people seem to think you’re going to save the world, whatever you decide, some people will still blame you, but most won’t. You can’t have it both ways.” Varric explained. 

 

Easy for him to say, from his understanding of the book, even in Kirkwall, people knew who to blame. The situation with the rebel mages felt like it could have been avoided, and instead, had become a full scale conflict. If he went with the Templars, people might respect him for bringing them in, whereas the mages had a poor reputation, and few would be pleased. What exactly was the right thing to do in a situation that had no happy ending? Too many factors to consider thoroughly, all at once. He promised he’d have a decision by the end of the trip, and he wouldn’t go back on that much, at least. 


	13. Fading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai experiences the Fade, finally.

They had recovered the Warden, Blackwall, and after a short conversation, had discovered he knew very little about the disappearance of his comrades, sent on to Haven at his suggestion. With the Storm Coast still a long way off, the group made camp when the sun had set. Long after Vivienne and Varric had turned in, Kai stayed up, lost in the flames of the campfire. It had been a voice that called him from his thoughts, still debating the pending alliance he was required to decide. 

 

“Not tired?” Solas asked. 

 

“I’m exhausted.” he admitted. “Only that I need to figure this out. I thought you had left for the night.” 

 

“I was about to.” he told him. 

 

Solas took a seat next to him, eyes drawn to the flames as well. “Would you like to come with me?” 

 

Kai didn’t look away, though the question threw him off. Come with, where? Not just that, but if all he intended to do was to wander off and sleep, wasn’t he effectively asking if he wanted to come sleep with him? Solas didn’t strike him as the kind of man who would mean anything more by such an offer, but if he wanted company for a nap, the tent was just as good, wasn’t it? At the same time, he recalled that spending time with others was meant to be a way to cement a friendship, and a friend was something he was coming to find he wanted. 

 

“If you’re sure it’s alright.” he answered finally. 

 

Solas didn’t answer, holding out a hand to help him up, should he require it. Kai found himself stuck, and the help was welcome, brushing off the dust that had accumulated. He gave no indication of where they were going, or even what, if anything, he was looking for, though he made no inquiries. The camp had disappeared from view before he seemed to find what he was looking for, though to him it seemed little more than a grassy patch, he was sure there was more to it than he was seeing. He stretched out, watching him for a moment before he realized he was meant to do the same. His eyes wandered, drawn to the stars, wondering how long it had been since he had done anything like this. The last time he could recall, he had climbed to one of the castle’s high spires, watching the stars, trying to relate them to formations he had learned in books, though he couldn’t. He must have fallen asleep, the next thing he remembered was Gaelle’s stormcloud of a face, yelling at him days later for allowing himself to fall asleep outside and become ill. Not because she cared, but because it was an inconvenience to the castle nurses. 

 

“What’s on your mind?” he asked, noticing he seemed lost. 

 

“I love looking at the stars, I find it strangely comforting. I was...merely recalling the last time I had such a chance.” he admitted. 

 

Solas turned onto his side, facing him. They hadn’t spoken much lately, the Herald often too busy for the interruption. It was important he have a clear mind. 

 

“Tell me about it?” he asked. 

 

“Ahh, it’s probably boring to one who has seen and heard as much as you, but if you’re sure you want to hear about that.” he sighed. 

 

“I would.” he answered simply. 

 

Kai reluctantly glanced away, propping his head on his hand as he turned to face him finally. He had the look of one trying to solve a problem, more than remembering something long past. 

 

“You must understand, Snowbarrow is large, imposing. Perfect for cloud watching, or star gazing, and as I said, I love it. One night, I climbed one of her towers, and I think I fell asleep. I remember…” he paused, straining to put the feeling to words. “I remember a feeling like the cold had wrapped around me tightly, like strings in my lungs, made of ice. I think I drifted off... The next thing I remembered was Gaelle, that’s the Queen, glaring down at me as I came to. Said I fell ill because I had fallen asleep outside days earlier, and that it was my fault the nurses had to be put to work to bring me back.” 

 

Solas wasn’t sure if he should say anything about that particularly, though he felt compelled to reassure him somehow. “Well, your new position  _ does _ have a degree of freedom you may not know quite yet. I doubt anyone would tell you you’re not allowed to sleep wherever you wish.” he stopped, wondering if his offer would be as well received if he explained why he brought him out here. “It is with that in mind that I offered as I did. Here, you might find yourself laying down your burdens readily, and perhaps see the world as I do.” 

 

Kai closed his eyes, still listening, the sounds of life all around him. A slight breeze whirling through the grass, rustling leaves on nearby trees. Beyond that, the echoing call of the mountains, alive in a way he could explain to no one, but which he understood. 

 

“You mean the Fade? You brought me here to...see it as you do?” he asked. 

 

“Correct. Before you ask, you only need to relax, fall asleep…” he instructed. 

 

Just fall asleep? That was really all there was to it? He found himself wondering if his dreams would still be as vivid, as memorable as they normally were, or if it would even be like dreaming at all. His room at the castle had long been specially outfitted to prevent such things, and the prospect of seeing it was admittedly frightening to a small degree. He rolled onto his stomach, resting his head on his arms with a quiet sigh. He’d never get to sleep if he allowed his thoughts to keep him up. Burying his face, he struggled to push away anything beyond the crushing desire to doze off. 

 

“Good night, Solas.” he mumbled. 

 

“We shall see, won’t we?” he mused quietly.

* * *

 

Kai felt a hand on his arm, shaking him awake, pale eyes fluttering open reluctantly. Solas tilted his head curiously, the shadows of Vivienne and Varric barely visible in the corners of his vision. Clearly, he had overslept and it was time to head out for the day. He quickly moved to stand, his hand sweeping through his hair quickly. 

 

“Well? How was it?” he asked after a time. 

 

Taking a deep breath, he shrugged listlessly, unsure how he should feel about it. More of a concern was how to explain it to himself, let alone express it in words. 

 

“I was...home. It felt like it, anyway, real enough to me, like I could have…” he stopped, shaking his head, wondering if it was crazy to say such things. “Like I could have reached out and touched the walls, like if I breathed, I would have smelled the bread baking in the kitchen. That’s...that’s not normal, is it?” 

 

In a way, it was frightening, to see things he knew couldn’t possibly be real, and yet to know they  _ were _ , at least at the time, though he seemed to recall it didn’t begin that way, it had all seemed like it built up at his will, as if he had caused it, but that couldn’t be the case, it had to be some manner of magic, or perhaps...he had no explanation for it. 

 

“It is for some. Not everyone experiences it that way, certainly. I’d like to hear more about it when there’s time.” he said. 

 

Kai could only nod his agreement, part of him wanting to shake it away, another part of him wishing he could have stayed longer, unwilling to wake up and return to the task ahead of them. He had to change the subject, to give himself something else to think about.

 

“This group we’re supposed to watch. They have to be good, right? I mean good enough to spare one of their own to come tell us about it. But if there’s enough to warrant Inquisition attention, it has to be a lot of mercenaries that showed up, yeah? Confident enough to handle it alone, that’s impressive, or is that just me overthinking again?” he asked. 

 

“I’d say they’re probably pretty good. They might have a lot of people in the company, and that means less work individually. Has to be a good leader though to keep a large group under control.” Varric said with a shrug. 

 

“I...I forgot to ask about their leader.” Kai admitted nervously. “It slipped my mind…” 

 

“Well, then I suppose we’ll see soon enough for ourselves, won’t we?” Solas added. 

 


	14. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas' untimely presence leads to the discovery of what the Herald has been keeping secret.

Yet another long day had led to another long night of camping. With it, however, came a chance for a bit of rest. Kai watched as the others turned in, standing when they had. The lingering film of sweat caked with dust from an unusually windy afternoon had him more than ready to seek out the nearest means to cleanse himself. Thankfully, they had chosen a spot near a small pond, barely that, but more than enough to wade out and wash up quickly. This much had always been a source of anxiety for him, and the idea of the scratchy robes he had to change into had him wrinkling his nose. So long as he kept what he could of his own clothing, he would be alright of course, but  _ still. _ They were nothing like the clothes he was used to, though he imagined a state of war meant comfort was a luxury that could not be spared. A proper shower meant waiting until they returned to Haven, but at the very least, he could wash away some of it, and that was all he wanted. 

 

Standing slowly, he glanced around one last time, both tents dark, Varric and Vivienne had surely gone to sleep, and seeing how Solas hadn’t made a point of seeking him out, it was a safe assumption he too had left for the night, no better chance than now. He quietly slinked off to the water, always aware as he shed his clothes like a second skin, piling up at his feet. Stepping in, he recoiled with a shiver, the water far colder than he had anticipated, goosebumps raising over very nearly every inch of exposed skin. Taking a deep breath, he stepped in, dropping to his shoulders initially. Sliding back to the edge of the bank, he stretched out, in no real rush to waste a chance to relax for a few moments, the temperature of the water slowly becoming rather pleasant for him. Absentmindedly, he ran his hands along his legs, deciding to start low and work up, reaching his arms after a few minutes, and after a quick inspection to ensure that they were as clean as could be expected. Dipping under long enough to sweep through his hair, he came back up with a sharp breath, wet, dripping locks obscuring his vision, not an ideal situation, but who would really notice now? 

 

“Enjoying the water?” someone asked. 

 

On instinct, he quickly folded his arms across his chest, thrashing his head to flip his hair back. It didn’t work completely, but enough that he could make out the material of a coat? Maybe that wasn’t right, the damned water dripping from his hair was almost blinding, welling up in his eyes like tears, a blurred image all he could make out. He moved a hand away, sweeping his hair back, plastered to his head, rubbing at his eyes. He smiled a little, finally able to see who it was, Solas, and he...looked unexpectedly surprised. Kai’s pleasant smile became a deep frown, glancing down at himself. Maker, he could very nearly see everything, the time had finally come to explain, he imagined. Ducking back under the water, he knew it was too late, but the desire for some modicum of modesty had overcame him. 

 

“I...can explain, of course…” he mumbled. 

 

“Perhaps you should, I’m at a loss for what to say…” he answered. 

 

It had been intended to come out as a proper explanation, instead it came out as a hasty, panicked plea. “Please, please...don’t tell anyone, no one can know...promise me!” he begged. 

 

His features lightened a little. It was clearly not done to be malicious, and the reaction seemed genuine. He might agree, but he needed to know before he could discern what, if anything, he would do about the matter. “First, I need to know why.” 

 

Kai reached for his bracers first, delicately crafted leather cuffs that circled his slim wrists. Those in place, he reached for his bottoms, rising from the water with those covering. All traces of what he had seen gone in an instant, he didn’t so much mind being seen like this, anyway. 

 

“I’ll tell you everything, if you’d give me a moment to finish dressing.” he stated authoritatively. 

 

Solas turned away, allowing him ample time to get dressed, grabbing up what he had left. He leaned against a wall of rock, this was the best place to talk, far enough away from the camp that even if they had woken up, they wouldn’t hear. 

 

“My father and my mother are the only two souls who know the truth. Mother is a seamstress, she made the clothes, and father left me with her while he had them sent away, to be enchanted. Every piece separately is magicked, so I only need one to keep it safe. The truth is, mother was afraid that I would be sent away when the King found out he had not had the son he needed, but a daughter. He had no problem with it, just overjoyed that he had a child at all. Even he knew Gaelle would have me sent away or worse, and that she might go after my mother had she discovered who she was. For that reason, they discussed it, and it was decided my secret must remain as such, no one can know. For that alone, I am more than willing to play the role of Prince. I’ve seen firsthand the awful things that can happen to girls in the chantry, I also know the tales that come from the mages, neither were things I wanted. I am no longer concerned for my own safety, if the Queen finds out my father hid that from her, and failed to do as he was meant to, she would surely do something to him, and my mother. The kingdom would suffer without his policies and fair rule, but she pulls the strings from the shadows, all would fall with her left alone in charge…” Kai explained nervously. 

 

Solas was mulling it over in his mind, and for a brief instant, it occurred to him he might have to influence him to get the result he needed.

 

“You are far from your lands, is it truly necessary to hide it here?” he asked. 

 

“Absolutely, the inhabitants of my home don’t often come so far, but it is not unheard of, not to mention, Gaelle has spies from other places too, if it slipped to anyone, I can’t be sure it would never find its way back to her.” He said. 

 

He considered it carefully, his eyes falling to her chest, the bracers had to be the source, the one piece she retained that made her curvier form as such. He showed no trace of discomfort at being appraised in such a way, and he gathered it was because he had spent his whole life this way, whereas he showed shame in being seen as she truly was, it was peculiar, but he thought it best to abide by his request. 

 

“Indulge me a moment longer. How does it feel for you? Does it trouble you?” he asked. 

 

“Physically? I don’t believe I feel any different one way or the other, I can’t say for sure if it is exactly the same. Unless you mean is it troublesome to be this way? If that’s what you meant, then yes, I wish I didn’t have a reason to hide it, but it has to be this way, for the sake of those I care for, and out of a love for my people, I will not complain. It’s been so long already that it feels quite natural at times...I wouldn’t begin to know how to act a proper lady, or how to behave in a dress.” he ended with a laugh. 

 

He had a point, trying to imagine him in the trappings of a lady didn’t suit him. The way he moved, sat, behaved in general were all those he had observed in other men as well. He chuckled a little, the image of him in a dress, his leg draped across his lap, he could imagine the otherwise shocked faces of any who might pay witness to such a sight. With time, perhaps he could pull it off, but as he was now…

 

“Very well. I will keep your secret as my own, no one will hear it from me. Actually, I had originally sought you out to see if you might care to come with me again tonight. I had some thoughts about your last experience.” he told him. 

 

“Of course. I’m unsure what you could possibly have to learn from my sleeping, but if it helps, I am not opposed to it.” he answered. 

 

With that, Solas waved him to follow. Kai knew he had likely already found a place, some point of interest to him, opting to let him lead the way, this place was ultimately still new enough to him that he couldn’t begin to find his way easily.


	15. What's Best

Cullen sighed. It was late, and word from the scouts in the area said the Prince would return in another day or so. He’d have liked to be anywhere but still up, eyeing the table. Leliana sat back in a chair at the opposite end shaking her head slowly. 

 

“There’s been no word back yet. I understand why you’re anxious about this, but you must understand how far away Valdynn is. There are still maps that completely leave it out, it’s just that far away. Worst still, Snowbarrow Keep seems to be located in an area most would consider inhospitable.” Leliana said. 

 

“If the situation is as precarious as it seems, I’d like to make sure it’s dealt with quickly and safely. Kai -- the Herald deserves some sort of peace of mind. I know a little of how it feels to be surrounded by nothing familiar, far from home and essentially alone. He’s proven...very reasonable and he works hard.” Cullen said. 

 

Leliana smiled knowingly, leaning in slightly. “Now I think I see. You  _ fancy _ him, don’t you, Commander?” 

 

Cullen blanched at that, shaking his head immediately. “I’m not interested in relationships, duty always comes first.”

 

“That isn’t a denial, you know. Perhaps a relationship isn’t on your mind, you know it’s fine to blow off a little steam right?” she wondered. 

 

He cringed at the term.  _ Blowing off steam, really? _ It sounded like something more akin to what one might do in a brothel. 

 

“He’s royalty. I don’t...Maker’s breath, can we talk about anything but this?” he sighed. 

 

“I still didn’t hear anything resembling a denial.” she laughed. 

 

“I have never had an interest in men. Can we please focus?” he groaned. “What else do we have to go on?” 

 

“We have confirmed the presence of at least several of his kinsman, as well as those primarily from the Free Marches and some in Orlais that seem to be connected in someway, perhaps spies? Based on my understanding, they could be keeping an eye on the Prince, but they’ve made no move against him or Inquisition agents, so as yet they may not be a threat.” Leliana said. 

 

“Do you think they want him back? I mean, I was given to understand he wasn’t supposed to go back for a very long time, until the situation back home is under control?” Cullen wondered. 

 

“Oh, I’m certain not. I can’t begin to guess their intent, if any, but I’d imagine it’s more looking for something to report back, I don’t quite have a clue what they might be watching for. Matters become more complex when you consider he is the heir to the throne.” she explained. “Try as I might to learn about the Herald, there aren’t many official records, and what there was wasn’t all completely helpful.”

 

“Such as?” He inquired. 

 

Leliana unravelled a few pieces of parchment, trying to find the right one. “The Prince was brought squalling into the world on the coldest day, a blizzard had hit, and the King paced the room, anxiously awaiting word of a son that had taken his bloody time, too much time, if the howling winds and mounds of snow piling up outside the ramshackle home.” 

 

“Is this a joke? Varric had a hand in this, didn’t he?” Cullen snorted. 

 

“No, it appears to be a genuine attempted manuscript for the King’s biography.” She sighed. “I found chantry records of his admission into mandatory service, and another for his discharge. He completed his service, but there were no records to be found about what he did, how he behaved, or what might have occurred. I find it most interesting however that he’s noted the Queen holds the favor of the nation, despite the fact that by all accounts, Valdynn is a patriarchal country.” 

 

“You’re right -- this is far from helpful.” Cullen said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What do we have on the Templars? No doubt it’s best to know all we can about matters before asking Kai to pick a side.” 

 

Leliana bit back a grin. Cullen was always one for formality, and protocol, what was proper, what fell in with his duties. If someone had a title, he damn well used it, but several times now, he’d said the Herald’s name as easily as if it were the most natural thing to do. They had become oddly close rather quickly, considering he very rarely spoke to anyone he didn’t have business with if it was outside of training. He might deny it all he liked, but she was trained to pick up on anything of note. Some part of him was definitely interested, whether he wanted to be or not.

  
  


“The Templars have retreated to Therinfal Redoubt, but to what end, I haven’t been able to discern. They certainly travelled quite a distance to see themselves out of Orlais. It is very unlike the Lord Seeker, to my understanding of the situation, and my concern is that it may be a more volatile and delicate situation. Frankly speaking, I know how you feel about the situation, but I have to, in good conscience, recommend the mages. Even with backup and assuming you sent a force to back him up, you know as well as I that he’s not sure what to make of his magic, he hasn’t been formally trained, and even limited it could be messy. Has he continued with the training?” she asked. 

 

“He’s joined a few times. He’s raw, but he has good instincts. I’d feel comfortable in deploying him to deal with somewhat dangerous situations with a little more practice. A little polish on what he has down and he could be an asset, but...as much as I don’t like the idea, I might agree with your assessment. I don’t think he’s ready to face armed Templars in those numbers if pressed.” he admitted with a sigh. 

 

No, truly he’d rather not risk that many mages in the village, but it wasn’t just about what the best option was, or even what he wanted but what was best for preserving the Herald’s safety. Kai wasn’t just the best option for fixing this mess, but their only option, and sending him off to get the Templars just because he didn’t want to feel uncomfortable was just an unsound and selfish thing to suggest. 

 

Leliana didn’t want to betray what trust she had gained from the man, not when she could see very clearly that it wasn’t just her that made him nervous, he didn’t trust women easily, for reasons she might not know. He had opened up to her, and it wasn’t her secret to bandy about. 

 

“There is a way it  _ could _ work, if that was what he wanted to do.” she said. 

 

The odds were slim, but it was worth mentioning to him, at least in private that it  _ was _ an option. Granted to him it might seem more than a little underhanded and probably wouldn’t be something he’d consider. It really just depended on how worthwhile he felt it was. 

 

“There’s little point in making suggestions if the risk is still too great. I’m not throwing him to the lions if I suspect he’ll only be devoured.” Cullen told her. 

 

A messenger knocked quietly before entering the room, bobbing his head apologetically. “Sorry to interrupt. You asked for word to be sent when the Herald was sighted. He’s almost to the gates.” 

 

“Thank you.” Leliana said quietly. “If you could do one last thing for me tonight, would you kindly direct him here when he arrives?” 

 

“Of course, I’ll see to it.” he said, saluting before he left. 

 

“Well...I’ve got important business to see to.” Cullen muttered, leaving hurriedly. 

 

That was definitely unlike him. He was usually the last to leave, and only once he was certain nothing else could be accomplished, for him to leave so quickly, perhaps it was less business and more a desire to get away. 


	16. Chapter 16

“You got back quicker than expected. How was it?” Cullen asked. 

 

Kai cupped his left shoulder, rolling it a few times before he shrugged. “It was fine. Went rather smoothly considering… little enough trouble to delay our return. Vivienne wanted to hurry, something about getting blood out of lace and silk?” 

 

“Well, I won’t take up too much of your time. You look like you might drop any moment, no doubt you could use the rest.” Cullen said. 

 

“Ahh, I’m fine to stay a while. I’m not so much tired as I am sore. My shoulder’s just stiff.” Kai said dismissively. 

 

“Were you injured?” He asked, glancing up. “These reports will keep if you need to have it looked at.” 

 

Kai waved his hands again, shaking his head in emphasis. “Really, that’s not necessary, I slipped on some wet rock and bumped it, that’s all.” 

 

No, seeing healers needlessly was too risky, and since he currently wasn’t dying, it hardly seemed warranted. Valdynn was harsh and bitter, and it could never be said that it tempered anything less than some of the heartiest people. Aching muscles were hardly enough to keep him down. 

 

“At least let me see. I’d rather make sure you’re not a liability. Before you think I’m being too hard, realize I make my own soldiers take time off until they’re fit. Besides, Josephine would have a fit if you were injured. Reputation or some such nonsense to placate nobles.” Cullen trailed off slowly. 

 

Kai shrugged gingerly out of his outer layer, draping it over his lap. He tipped his head slightly to try and get closer to the candlelight. Cullen’s face scrunched up in focus, barely touching his shoulder at first. He didn’t seem to be bothered by it until he applied extra pressure. 

 

“This is fine. I have something for this. I’ll bring it by later.” He said. “I’m not sure if it will help, but there’s a trick to it that works for some of the men.” 

 

Kai gestured for him to do as he liked. His gentle prodded tightened up considerably, his thumb kneading firm circles on one side, his fingers doing wonderful things to the other side. His head dropped for just a moment, groaning in relief, definitely something worth remembering for later, this wasn’t the sort of thing he’d ever had occasion to learn about and it seemed a shame. 

 

“Better?” He asked after a few moments. 

 

“Much, thank you.” He said. 

 

Kai shifted in his seat to look at him properly, and immediately he recalled the sudden accusation of interest in him. They had a fair bit in common, and it had been a very long time since he felt like he might have a friend, someone he’d happily spend a bit of free time complaining over a pint. The light caught on his pale eyes, flickering and dancing. It was a very unusual color, but it was like looking up at the moons at night. His lips were very feminine, a perfect bow and full on the bottom. He had felt a lot less solid than he expected too. He definitely shouldn’t be thinking such things. Besides, even if he had the sort of nerve it took to be so forward, he was doubtful he’d take being pretty as a compliment. Not that he specifically thought he was  _ pretty,  _ of course. 

 

“Is there something on my face?” He asked curiously. 

 

“Hm? Oh...no? I was just looking at uh…” he gave up trying to explain, gesturing to his own face where the strange tattoos were on his. 

 

“Ah, these.” He said, smiling slightly. “I’ve not had many chances to see what the people of this part of Thedas have, but I take it these are uncommon?” 

 

“I’ve not seen a design like those before.” He said. 

 

“I’ve seen them in our history books. They were used by the first inhabitants, back before it was called Valdynn, even. Ironically, it’s a form of blood magic, but it places great restrictions on what I can do. Think of it...like the first steps before becoming Tranquil. I’m still connected to the fade, can still use spells, but I can’t pull much across at once.” He explained. 

 

“I admit I’m not exactly the most objective person on the matter, it’s no secret I don’t completely trust mages just yet…” he began. “Tranquility is a bit extreme if wielded without purpose, but to do this to someone without cause seems cruel. Do...do they hurt?” 

 

Kai seemed unsure how to answer it at first, his lips hanging apart briefly before he closed his mouth, lending it more consideration. 

 

“Yes, and no.” He finally decided. “Most of the time it’s fine, but if it’s too cold, or too hot, or too dry, or if I get a headache, there’s some pain, sure.” 

 

At least to him it sounded like a roundabout way of saying that it hurt most of the time but he was simply too stubborn to admit it. He was like that too. Never liked to admit when things were difficult unless it was unbearable, and even then it was the Ferelden way to be stubborn, they seemed to have that in common too, regardless of how far apart their respective homes were. 

 

“Do you miss it?” He wondered. 

 

It was hard enough to make conversations like this for him, and for him, even as he hadn’t been back in so long, he had often thought of home. It was something he noticed most people felt some fondness for, especially after being away. 

 

“I do. I guess I’m also glad to be gone, if that makes sense?” Kai replied. 

 

“I’m sure I can guess at the parts you don’t miss. Tell me about what you do?” He asked curiously. 

 

“I had few, if any friends…” he admitted. “I suppose I miss my father most. I miss the music, the books, but I think most of all, I probably miss the food. Nothing against you or your lovely home, of course. It’s been difficult to adjust to...uh…” 

 

“Yes, the food is often a complaint.” Cullen sighed. “So tell me then, what do you eat in your country?” 

 

“Fish and sheep are common. Cattle. Bird. I’m fond of apples. I like potato dumplings, and the desserts are popular with visitors as well… there was one made just for me once, I think it’s my favorite.” He said. 

 

The look of longing on his face just then might have made him laugh had he not understood the power of something as simple as a familiar meal. He wasn’t quite sure what possessed him to ask, but it was out before he could stop himself. 

 

“I’m not sure how it works. Are you betrothed to someone? Is there a princess?”He asked quietly.

 

“Maker, no. Thankfully, my father has been able to keep the Queen from forcing the issue too hard. What about you, you must have a wife?”Kai said

 

Cullen shook his head slowly, leaning back in his seat just a touch. “No. My training took up much of my time, and my duties after left little time for getting to know someone.” 

 

“I’m sure you’ll meet someone. You’re a great man, Cullen. I can tell. Anyone would be lucky to have your attention.” Kai said. 

 

He didn’t particularly find it strange to be so open. Honesty was a virtue instilled in him from birth, and unlike the people of Orlais, they were more free and open with their admiration of others. To him, telling him such a thing felt natural, he was easy to look up to. 

 

“Maybe when the world is back to normal.” He said with a small smile. “For now, the Inquisition, yourself included, have my full attention.” 

 

“Speaking of, I believe I have nothing to do tomorrow, would it be alright to fall in for a while?” Kai asked quietly. 

 

“Why would I say no?” He questioned. “You should get some rest, however, if you intend to.” 


	17. Chapter 17

Kai raised his shield, bracing for the strong, precise strikes the Commander was known for, grunting from the force. It rang through his arm in tiny aftershocks. 

 

“Maker, you’re...in impeccable form today…” he huffed. 

 

“You asked for my critique, I respect you enough not to hold back.” He replied. 

 

He didn’t even sound a little out of breath. Kai wasn’t exactly in less than great shape, but it was a harder workout than he was used to. 

 

“On a different note...I was thinking maybe I might like to side with your Templars…” Kai managed. 

 

Cullen’s sudden strike caught him off guard, taking him completely to the ground like he wasn’t trying to block with everything he had. He quickly sheathed his sword, tossing his shield to the side, holding out a hand. 

 

“Are you alright?” He asked. 

 

Kai smiled, though it looked somewhat pained. Reaching for his hand, he winced, pulling away once he was on his feet. 

 

“I’m fine. Just a bit tender, I didn’t expect it…” he admitted. 

 

Cullen carefully rolled up his sleeve, noting a rather prominent bruise across his forearm, already turning purple. He had to have been holding his silence for quite a while. 

 

“Let’s get this taken care of first and then we can discuss it.” Cullen told him. 

 

In truth, he wasn’t quite prepared to tell him he really shouldn’t think about it too much. He’d very much like to have them as allies, of course he would, but if it came down to it, he wouldn’t last long. Mages were often powerful, sure, but barring demonic influence or blood magic, most were quite...frail, really. Kai was already weakened from the marks, and what was left looked plenty soft. He had muscle, strong enough for harder labor, but not frontline veteran or anywhere near. 

 

“I...admit I’m curious. You’re not just being nice to me because you think you have to right?” Kai asked. “I just want to make sure.” 

 

“To be honest, it’s difficult not to see you as a regular person. I’ve even found myself forgetting you’re royal.” He said, kneading the back of his neck. 

 

“I’d rather you think of me as anyone else. It’s much nicer this way.” He told him. 

 

He held open the door, a hand hovering at his back but not quite touching. The healer was older, from Hasmal’s Circle Perhaps? Cullen stood dutifully nearby, his arms folded across his chest, unsure what to do at the moment. 

 

“This is no problem. He’ll be fine.” The man said. Glancing between the two, he smiled. “Your man will be fine, don’t have to worry.” 

 

He meant to clear it up right away, to tell him Kai was the Herald and it was only out of concern that he accompanied him. Something about it made him wait. He kept his attention on Kai, waiting to see how he would react. His cheeks flushed slightly, and his eyes met his for the briefest instant before turning to the floor. Perhaps it would make him feel uncomfortable to hear such a refusal. Better just to let it go. What was the worst that could happen if one man mistakenly thought they were a couple. They worked together, people knew that. 

 

Elsewhere, Leliana received a new batch of bits to sift through, including a letter addressed to her personally, bearing a seal that looked far too official to ignore. She kicked her feet up on her desk, reading through that first. From the King himself, a man named Sigurd. At first glance it seemed to be a simple, if incredibly formal and lengthy missive acknowledging his son’s residence in Haven, and his awareness of his status in the Inquisition, but reading deeper into it, it was a request and a warning. If he knew that much, the Queen would know soon if she didn’t already. This was a plea for them to protect him where he was unable to. 

 

Leliana put the letter away in a safe place, no need for it to have a chance in the wrong hands. She might have been more critical of the mix of useless information and good had she not understood the lengths her people went to to acquire anything. Not only was the trip less than easy, but much of the writing had to be translated first. Kai had spoke mostly the common tongue, but had been quick to point out it was neither the speech nor the writing of his home. There were pages of observations from her spies, mostly mundane, but perhaps some of it could be useful. Someone sent ahead a few recipes, out of a desire to try them. She could set those aside. The rest were filed away when one of her men directed her out to the grounds. It was time to reassign patrols and rotate the current to rest for a few days. 

 

She glanced up for a moment, watching Cullen hovering over Kai seriously, his arm wrapped up from wrist to elbow, trying to assure him it was really more fuss than was needed. Leliana smiled. Cullen fretted over the young prince, and in turn she could see the admiration written all over his face. He looked up to the Commander at the very least. She was willing to take one of Varric’s ludicrous wagers than there was something there whether or not they were aware of it, and she’d even go so far as to say that there'd be proof of that soon enough. 

 

Of course the prince seemed oblivious to it himself, but he had several admirers that she had noticed. It was easy to see why. Everything from the unusual marks on his face, the strange color of his hair and eyes alone were enough to demand focus, but he had struck a fine balance of human and Elven features. He was an inch or two shorter than the other men, had a slender, but toned build, an advantage in combat in the form of quick movement. He had a sense of humility to him and his hesitation to engage others openly added a sense of innocence to the new life he’d found himself in. Josephine had made a point to mention he was especially easy to sway others towards in his royal status, his caution with magic was rather inoffensive to most, often unaware entirely that he was a Mage at all. His faith was welcome as well, 

 

Oh yes, to others he was practically perfect. But she saw beneath it. He was a mess of nerves, anxiety and fear. His home was at war, and with his lack of freedom to seek proper training, he was left wary of his own power, however useful. There was little question they understood each other. They seemed to be good for healing the scars of the past. It was a natural stretch to think they might become a little closer. Ferelden was still shaking from war, still suffering the after effects of the last blight, and now the Breach a looming threat? Seeking comfort in the uncertainty of a situation was a normal response. 

 

“I thought you wanted the Templars?” Kai asked quietly. “A-are you sure the mages would be better?” 

 

“Cullen was definitely not good at lying. Didn’t particularly want to lie to him, but it felt insulting to admit they were collectively concerned he might actually get hurt. Leliana gave him a look, and Cullen swallowed nervously. 

 

“The mages May be the better option after all. It may be easier to acquire their aid as well.” He explained. 

 

Leliana gave an approving nod, watching the way the statement seemed to bounce around his mind a bit. He straightened up, and it looked far too stiff. 

 

“Very well. If that’s truly what you think, then...I’ll go after the mages…” Kai told him. 


End file.
